listening to the achingly beautiful stars album 'set yourself on fire', reading through old journal entries of a one gala darling (see www.galadarling.com), and feeling inspired for the future. today i meant to do a lot more japanese revision then i have done, but i'm not going to let that bother me. as aya says, in '1 litre of tears', 'we have time, so it's ok to go the long way round'.

it's been a very intense week, starting with me falling horribly ill just after finding out that i DID get on the CELTA course (celebrations! 1 step closer to being back in japan), and all that worrying was for nothing. in fact, i think it was the worrying that made me ill in the first place. the mind is funny like that. thank you for comments, it means a lot :)

then i finished and sent off my JET application in a flurry of last-minute activity. which means, after next weekend, and the JLPT, i will have completed my goals for this year. dude! that's awesome.

i also received a call from office angels, with a new job for me at the NHS, starting tomorrow. it's just admin stuff, but it's steady employment, and have a secure source of income for the first time in a month is such a relief, i can't even begin to tell you. no longer do i have to worry about affording christmas presents!

i'm doing a lot of work on 'me' at the moment. trying out a technique called 'EFT -emotional freedom technique', to deal with some of the negative thoughts which have been getting me very down over the last few months. so far it's worked like a dream. i was highly sceptical, but i think i might be a convert! i'm also trying to meditate for 5 minutes a day. it's all about trying to get comfortable with being 'me'. something i haven't been for a while now.

milo is draping himself over my arm, because apparently this is a comfortable sleeping position for a cat, and i have to cook up a large stock of spaghetti source, so that is all for now.

xoxo

it was my interview for a place on the CELTA (teaching english as a foreign language qualification) course today. i was secretly so worried i pretended i didn't care. and i thought things went ok, but then i didn't hear back when i should have, and now it's all i can think about, while trying not to panic, because what if i haven't made it? what then?

i'm trying to think rationally, trying to tell myself that there's always another choice, it's in God's hands, if i don't get in, it's not meant to be. but my anxiety keeps getting the better of me.

it shouldn't matter so much to me, but it's like a reflection of whether i can do anything or not.

it's just a stupid month long course, and it really shouldn't matter. i'm better than this.

the title comes from another blog years ago. for some reason it stuck in my mind.

<3 today was frustrating - one of the hardest obstacles i have to overcome is vocalising what i'm feeling.

<3 yesterday i went to see UP 3d with my best friend. SUCH a sweet movie. not the best pixar movie but way up there in the feel-good stakes.

<3 after film-watching, we spent some time in new look. i found these babies:





can barely walk in them, but feel the prettiness more than makes up for that.

<3 the other day, while searching for newcastle college to pursue a volunteering opportunity, i came across this van:



made me smile :)

xoxo

Finally got started on my NaNoWriMo novel tonight! My original idea just wasn't working out, but then my current story came to me yesterday and I knew it had to be.

3432/50000 words. That's 7% already!!

I don't know if it'll be any good, but I'm thoroughly enjoying writing it, and that's more than enough right now!

Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."

• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

1. If you could self-design the perfect piece of jewelry, what would it look like?
Hmm, I've got a bit of a thing for rings at the moment, so it would definitely be that. I think I'd make it silver, quite delicate and slim, and then have some kind of feather motif on it. Or maybe it could just be a feather in a ring shape? I'd have a tiny diamond in it, set into the feather. I just came up with this now, so this might totally change!!

2. What is your favorite kind of weather?
Ok, you know when it's been pouring with rain, and it's stopped, but there are still heavy, steel-grey cloud, and everything is soaking wet and washed clean, and then the sun suddenly shines through, maybe with a bit of a rainbow, and it's just that very special, bright kind of light? I love that.

3. If you were to put together a bouquet of flowers for yourself, what flowers would you put in it?
Sunflowers. I love sunflowers. And lots of colourful, tropical flowers which would need importing from rainforests and be very bad for the environment, but look incredibly pretty.

4. What is the general state of your fingernails? Keep them painted and pretty, or just let them go as they will?
I have to keep my fingernails short, otherwise they drive me mad. I'm just getting back into painting them though, after being banned from doing it while I was at subway. After this I'm painting them sky-blue :) 

5. What trait (personality or physical) gets commented on the most to you?
That I have a really dirty laugh. :P 

<3

1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 37 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Favorite genre/band/singer/composer?
36) What is the best TV show, either defunct, cancelled, over with, or current?
37) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

I dyed my hair again, to a very dark red/brown. Definitely prefer darker shades to being blonde.

Taking the plunge and leaving Subway at the end of this week. Don't know what I'll be doing after that, but that's actually kind of exciting.

Looking forward to November, as the month when I'll complete my JET application, prepare for the JLPT, and write my first novel for NaNoWriMo.

Watching House and planning my JET personal statement.

My life is simple, and I like it.

is it just me, or does time just get faster and faster as you get older? boo.

so, lots to report. went to london last week to meet up with lots of uni friends. it was such a wake up call. i didn't realise how much i've been wallowing in my own bad grades, and feeling like i'm just not going anywhere, until i talked to others, and saw how they're moving forwards.

it was really good for me.

come monday, i was down at office angels, registering for admin and secretarial roles, and today i was called back for an assessment and an interview, and they're hopeful i'll be able to find something admin/secretarial related soon. a step up from subway, better pay, and hopefully more interesting. i set up a direct debit with the kickboxing group i've been attending, and i'm taking white belt in december.

i can play the whole of einaudi's i giorni from memory.

i feel much less panicky. much more like i can actually achieve something. it feels good.

recent things i've found on the internet which have inspired me:

http://www.givesmehope.com/
inspiring true life stories. i read it every morning, and it encourages me to make the most of my day.

http://operationbeautiful.com/
i just started getting involved in this. i think it's a fantastic idea. one post-it left on a bus already. many many more to go.

http://www.drhorrible.com
i am in love with this fantastic little gem of a tragicomedy. just when i don't think i can love joss whedon any more, he does something even MORE epic.

tomorrow i meet up with the incredibly talented photographer Zhang Jingna (zemotion). i met her last year in london, and i'm so excited to meet her again. total fangirl, hahaha.

xoxo

i hate it when people make snap judgments on others based solely on appearance. in japan i sometime felt like just this over-sized, unwanted, scary foreigner. or just an object of sexual attraction, depending on who i encountered (!) in subway i'm just a dumb sandwich maker. i've been called 'dippy', had middle aged men carrying 'the times' speak in slow patronising tones and praise me when i get their sandwich right, as though it's a huge achievement for me. and i just want to shout at them for knowing nothing about me at all.

but then, is that just very egotistical of me? that i feel i am worth shouting about? and doesn't it mean i'm making a snap judgement about others, believing they see me in a poor light, and that they should know that i'm better than that?

i guess i just shouldn't care about it. as the saying goes 'if you're waiting for the whole world to like you, you'll be a waiting a long time'.

or something like that, anyway.

it makes me wonder how many people i make snap judgements about on a daily basis, without even thinking about it.

when i'm feeling down, or stuck  in a rut, nothing gives me a lift like a new hairstyle :D i've had short hair for a while now, but recently i decided to dye it, from blond to auburn. i absolutely love my new hair colour, although the first few days afterwards i got a shock every time i looked in the mirror! having done it myself, it's a bit blotchy, but my sister's redoing it for me tonight to make it properly red.

there's just something so refreshing about changing your look, as long as you like the end result.



from blond (i'm the one of the right, the model-esque girl on the left is my friend olga)



to auburn! (although this photo doesn't show it very well :P )

i currently have much love for this quote:

"people think that a woman's only dream is to get married and have children. and given what I've told you, you probably think that I've suffered a lot in life. it's not true, and besides, i've been there already. i've known other men who wanted to "protect" me from all those tragedies. what they forget is that, from ancient greece on, the people who returned from battle were either dead on their shields or stronger, despite or because of their scars. it's better that way: i've lived on a battlefield since i was born, but i'm still alive and don't need anyone to protect me."

- paulo coelho

i wrote it out and stuck it over my bed. when i'm having bad moments i just keep thinking 'i'm still alive'.

my absolute favourite singer/songwriter in the whole wide world is about to release her new album, and it has been the soundtrack to my evenings ever since she started streaming it online. she creates all the songs herself, and they are wonderful, beautiful, whimsical to listen to.

http://www.imogenheap.com/ellipse/

just wanted to share <3

the title is from the amazing documentary 'man on wire'. very inspiring, i really recommend watching it!

i feel a little like i'm in stasis. waiting for the next big adventure in my life to start, for now i'm making sandwiches and trying to live day by day. so i made a list of things i'd like to get done by this christmas, to give myself goals to work towards, and to keep looking forward. i don't want to be in stasis forever!!

• start kickboxing classes
• learn to knit
• learn to play the guitar
• practice photography
• take the JLPT level 2
• apply to JET
• learn how to walk in high heels (i'm serious, i'm tired of falling over every time i try some on!) 
• learn how to play this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhuGfmoIv_M on the piano (i am absolutely in love with this piece. ludovico is coming to newcastle in october and i am desperate to see him)
• start seeing a counsellor, and finally confront some of the things that have been haunting me for far too long now.

i hope that as i complete each task i can post about it here and thus be able to mark accomplishing each thing. here goes nothing!!!

found at serepink 's journal. i thought it would be interesting to try.

Five Questions - Meme!
+ Leave me a comment.
+ I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
+ Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
+ Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

the questions i got were:

1. Is there a song that you wish had been written for you?
2. What was your first word as a child? :)
3. If you could see yourself in 10 years, what would you like to become?
4. What's the craziest thing you've ever done?
5. What's your favourite season and why?
( and my answers... )

i watched 'educating rita' for the first time yesterday. it's  very dated in some respects but in others as relevant today as i think it's ever been. through taking an open university course 'rita' (real name susan) wants to find herself. she defies her working class background, and the expectation that now she is married she will simply settle down and have a baby. instead she leaves her husband, and finds her own voice through studying english literature at degree level. in doing so however, she is caught between the rita she was, and the person she has now become. in the end, the most important thing is that she has a choice. she can choose the person she wants to be. she finally has the tools, the knowledge, the self confidence to be able to do so.

4 years of very intensive university education in a high pressured environment left me feeling that exams and good marks and academic knowledge are the only things that matter. the only things that will carry you through life, that can make you into something better, give you opportunities.

but while marks and qualifications are important, they are so very much only a tiny part of the whole. the people you meet, the jobs you work, the experiences you have, whether building huts in costa rica, supporting friends in japan, or working in subway at the end of the road, all of these make up who you are, together with the music you listen to, the books you read, the films and plays you watch, the people you spend time with, and the beliefs you hold. education is ivery very importance. but 3 or 4 years of university study cannot make you a whole person. only a lifetime of experiences can achieve that.

i guess after doing worse that i had expected on my finals, this is a belief i need to hold on to more than someone who has done very well, and can take confidence in that. but i think it's really true for anyone.

you know, i watch friends re-runs all the time. but i have yet to get sick of them!

so, in the last few weeks i have seen two of my best friends graduate, one in birmingham, one in durham. i turned 22. i started working in subway. i'm so grateful to have this job, and to be earning money. plus, the shop is right at the end of my road, so that's gotta be one of the world's smallest commutes right there :D and for the most part it's been pretty fun, chatting to customers, learning how to make italian bmts, and how much cucumber to put on a 6" sub.

but now two of my friends are having major personal crises, and i'm really worried about them, and don't know how to help them. it's just been a really wierd time, either really good things have happened, or really bad.

i reeeeally want to go back to japan. i was looking through old photos and got really nostalgic! so now i'm looking into teaching english over there - getting a TEFL qualification, or applying to JET.

i started watching parakiss in the meantime. gotta keep up the japanese! i'm meeting my new japanese conversation partner next week too to practice speaking.

and finally, here's a picture of me cat, milo, looking incredibly cute while asleep :D

last week i moved out of my home for much of the past 4 years, downing college in cambridge. even after 4 years of belonging there i still can't get over how blessed i have been to live in such a beautiful college, in such a wonderful town, surrounded by so much history and with the possibility of meeting so many amazing, crazy-smart people. it was an environment that at once thrilled me and exhausted me. a place which even in the gloomiest depths of winter never failed to stun me with its beauty. and i don't mind saying that i shed quite a few tears at the prospect of having to leave.

so this post is dedicated to cambridge, one of my favourite places in the world.

( cambridge... )

I GRADUATED

I GRADUATED

I GRADUATED

pictures to follow

I HAVE A DEGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

i've finished my exams, got my results (a very respectable 2.2 - not the greatest mark ever, but considering how ill i've been for parts of this year, pretty damn impressive all the same. as em said: 'you've passed your exams and you're still sane. this is a very big achievement!'), and now it's just 5 days until i graduate, and become a fully-fledged member of society. or whatever it is you're supposed to become when you leave education.

all the cool stuff i really want to post about i can't, because it all involves photos, and i've lost my camera lead...so, in the meantime, here are some fun things you might like to do if, like me, you suddenly find yourself with a whole lotta time on your hands (and damn, does it feel good!).

1) if you haven't already, watch true blood. please. it's vampires, and sex, and danger, and cliffhangers EVERY SINGLE EPISODE and just really, really addictive and of the goodness.

2) listen to 'the go! team'. i swear, these guys are what got me through my exams. their music is largely just instrumental, and just so...joyful to listen to. there's no other word for it. it makes you feel good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4FaGacwtd4&feature=related

try it and see!

3) if you are in the mood for something a bit more relaxed, and sweet, try:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-iW0zL2LI0

i really, really love this song right now. found it when watching dean/castiel fanvideos (incredibly cool person that i am), downloaded it, just can't stop listening.

and...that is all i can think of to write, because last week was spent either staying up til 6am for 3 nights in a row, or sleeping for 15 hours at a time, and this has done very little that is good for my brain :D

once i find my camera lead, there shall be photos! exciting photos!